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Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening. - Coco Chanel

Somebody wrote "How can she rock in a Versace gown?" Well easy, let me show you. - Courtney Love

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She Looks At You
&Sees Why She's Alone♥

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October 21st, 2005 ]
i've moved to mybestdress. if you want to be added on that name, leave me a comment here.
[21] Reply + Comment

October 11th, 2005 ]
this journal is closed.

i'm only using it to post pictures now.
[7] Reply + Comment

October 6th, 2005 ]
[ mood | high ]

drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs.
it's so hot in here, and i'm almost done.

who is up for lots and lots of uncommunative fucking????

[4] Reply + Comment

ignore his ebonics and bad grammar. thanks. [Monday
October 3rd, 2005 ]
mybestdress: so am i right about everything that's going on?

rzrblade886: I think so + U know how girls are

rzrblade886: I think that U are doing the right things + I think it was wrong to lie to U.

rzrblade886: + About all that other stuff U know I don't like to hear it but if U feel that way I think it's ok.

mybestdress: see that's how i feel....i'm just really, really angry right now. i mean, what did i do exactly that was so wrong? it feels like i can't be in a bad mood, go out with someone else, or do anything without being called a bitch or a cunt.

rzrblade886: Don't be angry cause I know U didn't do anything + U know U didn't do anything.

mybestdress: then why am i getting bitched out??? i mean, i'm ready to scream.

rzrblade886: Don't scream U don't want to get mad + have things messed up.

rzrblade886: R U still there?

mybestdress: yea, i just can't rationalize any of this.

rzrblade886: U don't have to U know U were right + don't let ppl tell U different + don't feel bad cause U can't please everyone.

mybestdress: then why do i feel so angry??

rzrblade886: Because U know that U can't be mad + not get ppl in trouble.

rzrblade886: U said bad things to.

mybestdress: only after things were said about me.

rzrblade886: Don't worry U didn't do anything wrong that U should be yelled at for.

rzrblade886: Forget it + just don't let anything on.

mybestdress: good advice. queerbox.

OKAY, i feel better now.
[2] Reply + Comment

October 1st, 2005 ]
is it selfish that i really don't want them to know each other? i have a distrustful feeling that they gossip about me. i am the center of the universe.

i slept. i see you,you,you in my dream. some dirty, unappealing, nondescript kid. but you have charm and a rough glamor; you&i are freakshows. repellantly beautiful [though i'm better at hiding it]. i can't see you&i like that running rolling rushing rustling. i feel too distinct and too inhuman. a little girl holding me up with both hands, changing my dresses, tilting me up and down [my eyes opening&shutting opening&shutting] cutting my curly hair with her mother's scissors and tearing off my bows to put wear for herself.

and i hear the rain again, hitting my home with a blast. summer has passed. these eighteen years have come so fast.

i think it's time to buy the pills again.

i'm so sorry i've cheated you. i wanted to be with you, but i had to be alive. and now i don't know what to say; i'm never speechless or without an opinion. i need pink roses and new barettes, pretty heels and a pink sequins purse. i remember the night when we both had too much, foaming at the mouths and barely able to breathe. we woke up the next morning, the sun sparkling on our eyelids. your home was covered in diaphanous white ice and we ran down the steps, pratically tripping over each other, and threw open the living room window. all the snow made our cheeks red.

i don't want to be tattered and bleached.
[3] Reply + Comment

September 28th, 2005 ]
all of this makes me unhappy&falesly nostalgic. when i feel like this, i runaway. or die. every girl is like a cat, she has 9 times. this will be my seventh. i've become decisively manic and depressed. and i want to leave. i can't be near me. it comes to the point where i hate myself, and that needy, needy dreamy and sleazy desperation isn't good for the people i love. and i do love. with all of my love it still doesn't seem to please and i dissociate from everything. cry cry cry. it's disgusting, and even with my phantasmagoria i can't seem to concentrate. it makes me hate you, and lately, everyone has been hating you. maybe i wasn't meant for it, and maybe now is the time. though these macabre and selfish ideas are only superficial, and i have an insane way of being able to bounce back, and overcome all of this. in these past lives i've been so proud of myself; i've overcome the darkest and most suffocating experiences. people tell me i'm a survivor. i don't know if i agree.

we only wanted those to have sentiment over. you&i we still want that one thing. all of those things, and even after all of these years. i'm too selfish. are these too many years? i only want to have sentiment over you. die alone, right? i don't think that it is time. i only want time for you and time for me.

September 28th, 2005 ]
[ mood | BITCHY ]

fuck. fuck. fuck. i just don't know what to say. i love you, but you're fucking pretentious. and way to into yourself. i mean, i am too, but i'm hardcore so it doesn't count. i want food. and sex. at the same time? i want someone to buy me a chanel purse and a goth boy becuz tey r soo fooking cutee!!11!! lmao lol rotflmao lolercopter

so, yea, i'm hardcore.

[4] Reply + Comment

September 25th, 2005 ]

she's so beautiful
[4] Reply + Comment

September 23rd, 2005 ]

she is beautiful. and she is LOVE.

i have a delicate and unsound infatuation with her. i remember when i first heard teenage whore on the radio. it was guttural, fast, angry and indignant. utterly and unequivocally radiant. i couldn't stop the lyrics from twisting&tangling in my mind, the sepulchral sound of her voice. her lyrics are diaphanous and illusory, and it was the first time in my entire life that i felt i belonged. it was okay that decent people walked away from me. i could be disgusting and gorgeous at the same time. repellantly beautiful. she saved my life.

and on a lighter note, josh and i are homosCollapse )
[3] Reply + Comment

September 22nd, 2005 ]
does anyone even read this thing anymore? if not, i'm deleting it.

i'm completely, utterly, and honestly emotionally denuded. i've had to close myself off for so long, my feelings have been totally incapacitated. i've had to teach myself not to have any sort of affection or sensitivity.

and now everyone wants me to feel. and i can't do it.

i feel absolutely no attatchment to anyone. i'm inhuman, totally alien. it seems that i can't fit in anywhere or mold my shape into something acceptable. and i tell myself that i shouldn't feel these "feelings" anymore.

and these things that i think...i think i am crazy.

and everyone assigns me to be a certain way, a certain temperment, a certain laugh and voice and smile. and i can't fufill these expectations. i don't know what to be, and as myself i feel so wonderful, almost heavenly. and then so sad.

i'm just so mad.

i just do everything wrong and i don't understand what everyone wants.

and i don't know how to express myself or talk in the manner that is appropriate.
i don't know how to dress or think or act in a way that is respectable.

and the things i do...i can totally understand why you would hate me.
& i don't want you to deny your feelings.

now i feel is the time to feel normal, and i am nothing but foreign and extraneous.
[25] Reply + Comment

September 22nd, 2005 ]
what's new:

marc got cracked up and fell down the stairs. it was the funniest fucking thing i have ever seen.

nip/tuck is teh best show eva!!!11!!oneleven.

i haven't had sex in a really long time.

....who wants to be the person to fix that?

i get free drugs now.

i'm almost out of twizzlers.

courtney love is going to rehab.

that kid in philosophy needs to shut teh fuck up. and wearing kmfdm shirts doesn't make you cool, fag. amirite???

lolz that's all for now. kthanxbi
[2] Reply + Comment

marc [Monday
September 19th, 2005 ]
[ mood | sleepy ]

strange days. i'm not used to full stomachs and little alcohol; i spend my days half awake, waiting for marc. crazy, sick, pharmacuetical friendship. i don't understand where he stops and i begin. he's the masculine version of myself; the deep, dark, angry, violent, animalistic mirrored image. those stupid days when we were in love, no clothes and no food, our pronounced bones, our intrusive appetites. he has me dependant and addicted...a strange&fiery craving. it just shoots through my brain and lights up my senses, eating away at my marrow and tearing away my skin. my nose is raw and my nostrils bleed but i just can never stop. it's a chemical affair. he's evil evil sick twisted morally wrong beautiful charming sweet kind. it's the baby-bop crazy girl that i am. i can never help it though, i'm disgustingly drawn to him. he's rationalized that i've morally sinned and taught me what the wine in genova tastes like. he's my influence on myself.

let's fall in love you& i.


September 14th, 2005 ]
[5] Reply + Comment

September 13th, 2005 ]
[ mood | bitchy ]

awful day. i hate days like this because it feels like i can't recover from them.

so i call my mom, and everytime i try to tell her that i'm sad or upset, she just keeps TALKING. i can't get a word in, and all i hear is about her problems, and about my sister. i had to say i'd call her back TWICE before she heard me. OK, whatever.

i call my house again and my dad picks up. he just sounds confused, and i don't even know what the hell he's talking about most of the time. he just seems exacerbated when he talks to me, even though i don't do anything.

it just seems that whenever i have a problem, no one takes me seriously. and they don't seem to care, even though i've listened to them bitch 1432423543265537x times. at least i was actually nice enough to feign interest and concern.

and i saw these girls from my dorm in the dining hall, and they did that half-swivel, look-at-each-other thing and said, "tee hee thare shee iz!!11!! lolololz" and i just kind of waved, and they looked surprised. but that's okay, because they are ugly.

i'm such a bitch. i do really bad things for attention.

i feel like shit.


[1] Reply + Comment

September 11th, 2005 ]
i feel sick. sometimes i feel as though i can't take care of myself, that i'm always dependant on someone else. mispells, mispells, mispells. she dwells and seashells. these rambled, rambling words of mine, and my brain reads words together&loudly, sometimes i feel like i can't think or breathe. oh i'm sick and all i want is a cigarette. i always feel so dirty - i just don't think i could ever be whole again. i mean, where the fuck were you when my heart blew out? oh those fun days when we walked around and drank,drank,drank.

i haven't been sober in weeks. amy has the money, the means, that fire that lights in my brain and sends my heart speeding. if it spirals and becomes blazing, i know everyone will find out. and i'll be dirtier. all i want to be is lovely&divine. and sometimes i see their faces, and the way their arms and necks move and i think i will love.

and how this strange fashion has become my shield; fat sunglasses and MAC! glitter eyes and blue-rimmed lids. huge bags, cigarettes, and my cell phone. sandals and "if you buy those cowboy boots for me i'll be your best friend forever!" i think i'm a whore.

i'm too loud and i tell awful jokes and i'm never funny. i smell like cigarettes and bubblegum and perfume. i laugh at absolutely everything and if you're totally weird and unique, i will love you forever. i'm vain and my style is totally the best. i talk about myself all of the time, and if you talk about me with me i will love you forever. i'm not mean.

awww sugar.
[1] Reply + Comment

September 11th, 2005 ]
[ mood | sad ]

i have, like, no friends. not anymore.

[7] Reply + Comment

September 10th, 2005 ]
i feel sick, tired, strange. maybe even crazy. i think that i am crazy. i feel that everyone who knows me, hates me. it's become such teenage apathy; being dispassionate is boring and i am sick of feeling things that i know i might be too old to feel. it makes me miss new york in the winter..alex&i sitting outside in the snow, hands sewn together, my smeared lipstick and bottles of rasberry wine. the cold air that made me cry and falling down in the streets, the ice breaking my heels and alex laughing, kissing me. the thick, black scarves i stole from him, but can't bring myself to wear.

i can't stand this introspection - i'm not a structuralist, and i know how i am. and i don't care if people tell me that i act crazy, or that i'm a bitch, or that i'm annoying and strange. because i am. and i hardly ever care. all of the attention only gives me more reason to be UTTERLY vain and snobby, a sick cunt with bad taste and an atrocious sense of humor. it's kind of like being dead and faded in hollywood. my faddism and devotion to dead starlets in tiffany's jewelry and silk dresses is unwavering; i've thought about moving there and walking down the strip everyday, sleeping in a house with a gingerbread roof and huge metal flamingos outside. being a girl with cotton candy hair and wearing fake prada. i'm the girl with huge sunglasses and torn jeans that wears big plastic beads and puts on too much makeup.

maybe i will, love.
[1] Reply + Comment

September 7th, 2005 ]
proof that my friends and i are morons:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
[12] Reply + Comment

September 7th, 2005 ]
[ mood | emo ]

rasputina is coming to the rosewood theatre on the 24th. and the tickets are only $12. oh, my excitement <3

when i consume, i feel total energy, empathy. though devouring leads to my disappointment, desperation, dissastisfaction...i only want to feel communion, benevolence, and softness. i know my feelings will dissipate and i will be OK. i never want to let them down, or be careless.

and the excitement i feel it total adoration. i feel that i can't sit still or think. marc slipped a note under my door that said, "Fall In Love Whenever You Can". oh sugar.

and brittany hugs me and smells like coffee and chocolate.
and amy kisses my cheek and hums smells like teen spirit.

and if i die? they say all the happening glam scene kids are dead and i guess i should be dead too.

having this is such a slow suicide.

[3] Reply + Comment

August 30th, 2005 ]
the delicacy, the pulchritude, the glamour. and with these things i think, i think i am crazy. i have no worthwhile attention, and how do i catch someone's glance? i ate today, the inception and the gush of food and taste...i felt whole, i felt sick, i felt discontented. it feels strange not to be stuck inside of myself, my egocentric enthusiasm, my hedonism. i'm still hungry, still craving and it's the only way to abandon my sin. but then i think of him, the idea of him, and oh how i feel so full of love that i hear the seams in my skin splitting. to abdicate myself of myself, what a strange want. i always want; i want to be the girl who never wants.

i need a love, a plaything, a darling. how those days spent walking around and thinking of you saved me, cured me [if only for then]. but i understand i'm selfish, i understand i can be mean and cruel and macabre and strange. but having you to worry about and love will get rid of these feelings, my sick, weird desires...my sadness. i know what i need, and maybe you'll never be my compulsion, but i feel myself wanting to try. even for today, tomorrow, a night. this is me begging to hear you, these are my words. this may be my only gift to you.

aww sugar.
[2] Reply + Comment

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